I’m on the Board for South Dakota United for Hope & Recovery. I’m the Treasurer, but I’m excited about the program over all. My epilepsy has taught me the hard way that you have to be willing to be in charge of your own medical decisions and therapy or you’ll be run-over by the medical community at large. That is part of why I’m ready to leave my second job. I’d like to help build this community to reach out to as many people as possible and help them to help themselves and others.

The bad news is that my landlord has an offer on the house where I’m living. He counter offered, and surely they will counter-counter-offer, but I have no doubt that he will sell and sell well. I’ll have 45 days notice minimum to find somewhere else to live, along with my deposit and a free month rent so I have ready cash to move with. This is the first place that has really felt like a home in almost 7 years, and I’m extremely sad that I will have to move. I had so many plans for my garden next year. I also have faith that things work the way they’re supposed to, and the perfect thing will appear at the perfect time.

I’ve been at the Brass Rail for over a year now, and I still love it entirely. I love who I work with and who I work for. My job is well suited to me when I’m not overly stressed out. And stressed out is on the way out!

My mom’s health seems to be going well, although I am basing that on her reports. Hoping to see her next fall. Trying desperately to touch base with my cousin Katie, but our schedules are being grumpy.

Anyway, life is good, but no more easy than ever. I’ve found writer’s I like to read, things I like to write about, and people in my life I love to spend time with. Life is good.

Falling asleep is a struggle all it’s own. It’s not that I don’t know five thousand techniques to help me fall asleep, I do. And I use them to varying degrees. I try to maintain a schedule of when I go to bed and that helps more than anything else. It’s not that I lie there awake, unable to fall asleep no matter how tired I am. Instead, it is that my twilight phases, before I’m in good sleep are so hyper-reactive. Sounds are amplified and threatening. Images of scary faces flash in my head. Often I’ll have a full on PTSD type response and I’ll never be able to tell you what set me off. Oddly enough, I can usually fall asleep great right after one of those.

The falling asleep things is worse if there is someone else in my bed when I’m not used to having someone there. No matter who it is or why they are in my bed, falling asleep is itself something that requires trust on my part. I can at least understand that aspect of my mind being uncomfortable.

The last few weeks, I’ve had various nightmares. This is following on the heels of several months of just plain old good sleep start to finish, with an average of 8 hours a night. There have been a couple of changes in the past few weeks. I had an… unsettling experience with someone that left me nervous and scared for several days. I had a weird self exploratory experience when I had to cope with a rash decision that I had made. I have had someone stay at the house overnight. In short, I’ve had things going on that should disturb my sleep. So yay me for being normal enough to have my sleep disturbed. Yay me.

So, I want to know more about the dreams I had tonight. I know the same basic crap everyone knows, teeth falling out, naked at work or in school, etc. I know that some say dreams where you can’t punch, or run, or throw when you are trying to protect yourself are usually dreams where you are trying to wake yourself but because your body isn’t responding to your desire to move the dream you tells you that you can’t move. I like that version, because the other most common interpretation is that you feel helpless. I think we all know I’d rather deal with a physical or physiological explanation than an emotional one.

But there’s this big shadow guy, who never threatens or chases me, he just is. He’s even moved away to the far side of the room once, when I dreamed he was in my living room. He doesn’t speak, or move his arms, or follow if I go a different path. He doesn’t do anything but stand there, looking at me. Then I have that part where I can’t scream, and I try to throw things at him to protect myself and I can’t throw them. They land inches away from me when I try.

There’s nothing good on the net about shadow people in dreams. Not to say that there isn’t plenty out there, just nothing good. All sorts of material for shitty supernatural movies, nothing that explains the dream. For shits and giggles, goggle” dream interpretation shadow people” and you’ll see why I don’t feel it’s useful.

What stands out to me the most is the fact that I’m only scared of the shadow man because he is there and I’m surprised. In no way is he actually trying to scare or threaten me. More like just find me. Or be where I can find him. But why do I feel so terrified when I do find him? Any ideas?

Is louder than everyone else.

Whispers or shouts – it seems so pressing

Overwhelming all I ever thought.

The fear, it eats at my own thoughts.

Devoured by the white hot light of terror

Mocked by the cool blue of rationale

Given over to the passion of self-protection

Beaten down by life before you.

Some days, it’s all I  hold onto,

And all I try to run away from.

In the end, it’s all I ever really have.

And fear is what protects me…

What wounds me…

What pushes me…

What makes me bleed…

What declares my freedom…

What forces my lonliness…

What fills my soul…

What empties my heart.

It is all I’ve ever known.

In fact, my mood is much better, even after picking up most of the dog poo from several weeks in the front yard. All I can say is ewwww, and it smells better.

My homemade Christmas tree is making me happy, I managed two articles I really enjoyed writing today, and I’m looking forward to work tomorrow. My natural optimism has returned and so has my energy level.

Smile, folks! Hang in there and it gets better, I promise.